Realizations...

So you know that song Realize by Colbie Caillat?

If you just realize what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another J
ust realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other, now
Take time to realize...

Yes, that one. Well I heard it on the radio today and hearing the word realize about thirty times in a two minute period made me come to a lot of realizations of my own.

My biggest one, when did I become an "adult"?

That lead to a whole string of questions that I just don't know if I can answer.

When did I become responsible for everything? I realized this week if anything were to happen to my parents (God Forbid) I am the legal guardian of my brother. I am soley responsible for him if anything happens. Holy cow. They just sort of informed me of that, no questions asked. Of course I would do it, I would never not take my brother if something happened to my parents, but it was jolting nonetheless.

Since when am I old enough that I am the only one responsible enough to clean an apartment that holds between 3 and 5 people at any given time? Why am I the only one who buys a vacuum and uses it? That empties the dishwasher, puts dishes away, cleans the stove top, and organizes the common areas?

Since when am I old enough that I have to take care of people when they get too drunk? When they get sick or angry or out of line, when did I get old enough to be the one to stop the damage from happening?

Since when am I responsible for paying for everything, cars and gas and groceries and all the things "adults" have? Like a huge dental procedure that if my insurance bails on me for will send me into the red like no other?

When did I get old enough to realize one of the most important people in my life just has not been there for me latley and it hurts like hell? At one point I would have brushed it off, made excuses for her (she's busy, working, figuring life out...), but now... now it is just a kick in the stomach everytime I think about it or someone else mentions it.

Since when am I old enough for a reunion tour of one of my favorite childhood bands? (see; "backstreet boys")

When did I get old enough to worry? To get my heart broken? To fall for someone? To be soley responsible for myself and those around me?

When the hell did I become an adult and why am I just realizing this now...?

Shatter

I heard this song on the radio on my way home and normally I don't listen to O.A.R. but this struck me for some reason...


In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around



Random. Anyway.

Rehearsals going well. Still smoking and really really need to stop. I cannot afford to be addicted nor do I want to be. But it does make me feel good/happy/relaxed which is so incredibly stupid and I know it. Ick. Ugh. Etc. Monday will be my only day off until next week, I should do something. No idea what. My family might still be coming down Friday for the parade regardless of the break up. Interested to see how that will all pan out...

God I am exhausted.

Just when things are looking up they fall down again.

The past few weeks have been pretty rough. I mentioned earlier that this has been my summer of ups and downs. Being really sick in May was a major down, but Ryan proved to be a major up in that period. SOTC was a mixture of ups and downs depending on the day. I started stage managing for Jay's show (with OperAlterna) for the Fringe festival which is actually a lot of fun and the people have all been really great. But truth be told once midJune hit things really have just gone down hill.

So last Friday I was at my first Friday parade at 8th and I with Taylor, Amy, and Kristin. I said hi to Ryan and then the girls and I went into the Officer's Club to hang out before the parade started. Then I noticed my phone was beeping with a missed call. As soon as I saw it was my aunt Kathy I knew what it was. Sure enough I call her back and find out my grandmother passed away. She had been so sick for so long it wasn't a total shock but it was still incredibly upsetting naturally. I decided to stay at the parade, for the distraction, and spent the rest of the weekend trying to just not think about it. I called Sam, my best friend, and left her a message about what happened and to my surprise I never heard back from her except for a random picture message. It was so unlike her and it just made me even more miserable.

Ryan was determined to keep me distracted and dragged me to about eight different stores looking for a "roman sword" to bring to the toga party we were supposed to go to that evening. And at said toga party when I had enough and decided to get ready for bed at crash there it turned out someone went through my bag. My wallet was empty of all cash (about five dollars) and reciepts, one credit card my insurance card and cardinal card as well as my ipod were missing. My makeup remover and shower gel were emptied everywhere. Ryan's money he had in my purse was also gone. Naturally the house goes on lock down and they were strip searching people before they let them leave. By the grace of God Kristin and Taylor found all my reciepts, missing cards, and ipod hastily shoved in a corner in the bathroom downstairs. Ryan's money, my money, and three other guys were missing money that was never recovered but they basically knew who did it so I am sure they took care of it. But at this point I was so worked up between almost being robbed, my grandmother, and everything that I had a full blown asthma attack. Like turning blue on the bathroom floor asthma attack where I cannot feel my limbs or my face and it was not pretty. But Ryan and the girls took care of me and got me back to normal thank God and I didn't have to go to the hospital.

Skipping ahead I just kept myself busy until Tuesday when I went home for the wake and the funeral. Now for those who really know me know my real father George is not in the picture and quite an asshole. He has been in and out of my life for years and now is out and I like to keep it that way, my dad is my stepdad. Well George was told by Kathy years ago not to bother showing up for the wake or funeral as he was not around the entire time she was sick... about seven years. He graced her with his presence once when Grandma was asking to see him and Kathy called him and asked him to come earlier this year. Well somehow he convinced my little brothers Sean and Shane that they shouldn't go to if he didn't. Kathy had talked to Sean and he had been fine with the whole thing but George and Shane beat him down I guess. My brothers did not come to my grandmother's wake or funeral which made me extremely pissed at them and ten times more pissed at George for being such a damn child about it. Then inbetween the two wake times when we went home for dinner apparently George, his girlfriend Carolyn, and my brothers showed up at the funeral home and then signed the guestbook to prove they were there. God that man is such an infuriating child.

Tuesday and Wednesday were rough. Although my grandma was so sick for so long it was heartbreaking. A lot of tears were shed and I was pretty miserable. My cousins made things easier for me and I tried to be there for Kathy who took care of grandma by herself for so long. I spent the next few days at home just thinking and getting myself together. I saw Jill and my other grandparents and just spent time with my family which was nice before heading back to DC Saturday. Kathy had gone through a whole bunch of old pictures while I was there and found this one from my second birthday of my Grandma, Papa, and I. I have to say it is one of my favorites just because of how happy they look in it. I had to scan it in and save it. It is also now hanging on my wall here in my room.

More pictures from quality time with my cousin and brother...

Like I always say bad things tend to come in threes. At work for SOTC during strike Sunday last week I got hit in the head with a 2x2 that was about 10ft long. Ever see those old cartoons when someone steps on a rake and it hits them in the head? Yea, it was like that. I saw stars and then had a gaping gash on my head during the funeral which was great explaining what happened to relatives I had not seen since I was about ten. Then I cut my hands on the monofilament/fishing wire we were using. And then I stepped on a staple and it went through my shoe and foot. See, three things.

Well this Tuesday I get a text from Ryan asking if he wanted to meet for lunch. So I go to Potbelly's in College Park and park exactly where we had parked the last time we were there. We have lunch and then we're sitting outside talking for awhile and he just got this strange look on his face. I kind of knew then. As he is launching into the speech on why our relationship is not working at the moment I see a tow truck go by with a Ford Taurus. Sure enough my car was towed during the conversation. So we had to go get my car out of the impound lot and I now owe Ryan $150 to boot as I had not gotten my paycheck yet and he insisted on paying for it until I got the money.

The breakup. What it boiled down to was he thinks I am a great girl and he wants to be with me he just doesn't have the time right now to give fully what is required for a relationship. And it isn't fair to either of us. Basically a lot of what he said made sense and was what he wanted and what he thought was best so nothing I said or could say could change that. Yes there was a lot of crying on my part and sometimes I really hate being a girl thanks to the emotional overload the tends to come with it. He thinks we have a chance in the future maybe but right now is not the time. With him shipping out as soon as October he doesn't think our relationship will be strong enough by then to last while he is gone. Just have to say that is three months away and a lot can happen then but he would rather end it now when it just hurts versus possibly having to end it then and having it hurt more. I don't know. It is going to be immensely difficult to be friends with him but I don't want to lose him in my life. I can't imagine not being able to talk to him or see him, but it is going to be so hard to be with him without being with him. Who knows how it will all play out.

Thank god that night Taylor, Laura, and Kristin had me come over and they made me sangria. We had that and played catchphrase, the best of the night being "Expedia!" and everyone instantly replying with the commercial tune of "DOTCOM!" without missing a beat. Since then I have just been going to rehearsals and seeing friends and trying not to think too much. I had lunch with Adam and Jason yesterday and tonight did chinese food and a movie (the Wedding Singer) with Angelyn. After we were bothered or hit on or a mixture of the two by a 58 year old drunk guy outside Hunan Delight. "Hey! I'm patriotic! My shirt was made in America! Whatchu gonna do? You gonna do the wild thing? Hey! Ladies!" And so on.

As you can tell by the time I am writing this I am also not sleeping too well anymore either.

And I have started smoking.

Wonderful.

I don't mean to sound whine-y or complain or bitch but that has been life lately. Just a mess and a half. Tomorrow/Today Angelyn and I plan on celebrating the 4th in true DC tourist fashion and going to the Capitol for the fireworks and concert on the mall. I am excited, it should be fun and just the sort of distraction I really need...

And something positive to keep me sane... a picture I took last week. Sunlight follows a storm. Here is proof.

Recent happenings...

Sorry to report life of late has been busy but not much to write about. I could write about Ryan and our "official" status but I don't want to get the eye rolls and "awws" that seem to be the common responses to relationship news. But since I mentioned it, we are official and I am very happy. He is a great guy and I am pretty lucky in my opinion. He is on his way over and we plan on being lazy bums and watching a movie in sweatpants until we pass out. So there.

Other news. SOTC is winding down, only one more show! Hooray! After that is strike for a few days and then no more SOTC for me. It hasn't been that bad truth be told, one divo and a few random incidents but overall I like everyone and it will be strange not to see them every day. Or almost every day. Next weekend I start my stage managing thing for Jay's show for the Fringe Festival. I am excited to be doing that and building the tech resume some more (and getting paid) but I do wish I was doing some acting this summer. Like in Gilgamesh or anything else really. I miss acting. I feel like I haven't really done it in ages. Yes I was in Madwoman of Chaillot in April but being a Deaf-Mute in a show like that really isn't what the inner creative Allie desires, ya know?

Anyway enough complaints. If Jay's thing isn't too demanding I might work at Medieval Times since I think it will be fun, personally. Yea Ryan isn't thrilled about that, he thinks its kinda weird to want to work there. Visiting is cool, but working... not so much. Well tough. I think it will be fun! But with rehearsals so all over the place it might not work out anyway.

Oh, Angelyn and I played in the rain earlier this week... check it out!

But before the skies opened up we did get some cool pictures!

Healing!

Look! I am officially healing! My arm was lovely and bruised for over a week and now merely a smudge remains. It is still a little sore on the muscle but I can move it and carry things without it going nuts on me! I kept catching people staring at it on the metro or when I walked around anywhere. The funniest had to be I was in the elevator and someone asked me if my tattoo was new. I was all confused and replied, "What tattoo?" And he pointed to my arm and said, "The music note." I looked and had to laugh and explain it wasn't a tattoo but a botched blood job. Awesome. Hah.

So this weekend Ryan and I went to Ocean City. It was spontaneous. We left at about 1am Friday night, arrived around 4am Saturday morning and just spent the weekend at the beach. I was finally able to eat again and it was glorious. French toast! And beach food!!! I was so excited. The water was FREEZING cold and naturally we had to swim in it since we were there and all. After swimming we heard the ice cream truck and ironically chose to get ice cream since we are smart like that. After showering we hit the boardwalk and went on some rides, like the best roller coaster on a boardwalk I have ever been on! Usually rides down the shore are pretty dinky, but this one was genuinely cool. Lots of loops and a drop and you do it forward first and then you get to do the whole thing again backwards. See? I couldn't get the entire thing in there but you get the general idea.

Sunday we drove home again then I met up with a bunch of people for Rich's birthday to see Indiana Jones. Hokey, funny in parts, eye rolling in others. Like the monkeys... totally awful. Same for all the aliens. Too many aliens. My dad put it best, Steven Spielberg has lost his ability to tell a good story. Agreed. A lot of people apparently felt the same way. Oh Indy... the highlight of the evening was when we tried to leave the theatre in Chinatown we went through the exit at the front of the theatre and went through these random halls in the bowels of the theatre. About 50 people ended up in this random parking garage and then forging our way back to somewhere behind the Verizon Center! I then went to wait for the last green line train home and was on the platform for forty five minutes waiting for the last train of the evening. The metro lady was entertaining on the speaker system.

"Last train to Shady Grove leaving right now. I mean it, right now. Boy you better run. It is not waiting for your slow ass. Go! Run!"

"I know you did not just throw a lit cigarette over there. Right? Right. I am glad we understand one another. Now get on your damn train."

"The last train to Branch Avenue left. Sir. It left. It's gone. I don't know... get a taxi or something. No you can't just walk through the tunnels! Are you stupid?"

I got a good laugh out of it at any rate.

Ryan and his room mate Angel crashed at my place that night and unfortunately Ryan's car was towed from the Target parking lot. I told him that might happen and it didn't the first few times... but yea. Monday we then went to the Nats game. Nationals vs Brewers. We got in late, around the 4th inning, since Ryan had to go get his car, but the game ended up being 11 innings so it made up for it. It was really hot and I got some color sitting there but it was still fun, even if the Nats lost.

I started work Tuesday officially for SOTC (Summer Opera Theatre Company). 10-6 each day so far just build in. Its me, Mark, Jason, Rich, and Nick and then Matt and Anna Laura are there for just build in. I love working in theatre but I do miss acting :( I still have not heard back from the NYC internship officially. Drat.

I might go home to get my car next weekend. Maybe. We shall see. I need it for tech week otherwise I will be quite miserable 10am-11pm with metro reliability.

My Babci had a back surgery/procedure today, she seems to be doing well. Fingers crossed.

Ok I am exhausted. Yay for blogging whether it is read or not.

<3

Sick?

So earlier I mentioned I haven't been feeling well... and I haven't been able to shake it. For nearly two weeks now I have had zero appetite. And if any of you actually know me you know that is a shock. I am a pig. Seriously. Food and I have a special bond. So for me to not be eating is killing me. I still crave food but I cannot keep it down. Not pleasant. Usually I am just nauseous and gross and sorely wishing for a cheeseburger. Now it has gotten to be nearly two weeks so I decided I definitely need to go to the doctor. So I go to this random doctor I found on my insurance website that was within walking distance of my apartment. I called Monday and they told me I had to wait as they had no openings. That's ok, what is one more day without food? So I arrive for my 9am appointment and get seen around 9:45. Ugh.

Then the doctor saw me and told me I was pregnant. Repeatedly. Even when I told him, trust me, I wasn't... he argued with me.

Crazy Doctor: Oh those symptoms? You are just pregnant.

Me: No... no I am not.
Crazy Doctor: Yes yes, I see this all the time. You think you're careful and then boom! Pregnant. Let's do a test.

Me: I can assure you it is impossible. I am not pregnant.

Crazy Doctor: I hear that all the time, it's ok.

Me: Ok, unless it is the second coming I am not pregnant.

Crazy Doctor: Oh. Ok. Let's listen to your heart.

Then the crazy doctor decides to tell me I have a heart murmur.... what?? He's like, ok let's do an EKG. I'll get the nurse.Naturally the EKG was normal and he told me some guy comes to the office on Thursdays with a more sensitive machine and he wants me to get tested to make sure the murmur isn't severe. What murmur? So Crazy Doctor realizes he needs to take blood.

Crazy Doctor made me look like a drug addict! I have never been that bruised/swollen/black and blue from a needle and I have donated blood for three years now.

I finally get some random perscription for two pills and the second of which he won't tell me what it does. So I go to the target pharmacy and have her explain it to me. She looks it over and asks, "Were you at Crazy Doctor by some chance?" And when I told her yes she went on to explain to me this guy give this perscription of two pills to about half the patients he send there, most of them for ulcers. When she heard my symptoms and realized it did not sound like an ulcer she gave me the name of another doctor close by and told me just to go there. If new Nice Doctor agreed then we could fill the perscription.

I go over to Nice Doctor's office and lo and behold she is sane!!!!! But she weighed me before my examination and I was shocked to realize I have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. I weigh now what I weighed about Sophomore year of high school. Shock. Seriously I thought I was losing a little weight being this sick but I didn't realize that much.

Basically ran more tests, called Crazy Doctor and cancelled my next appointment with him and made another to come back to the Nice Doctor. She told me to get Pedialyte, juice, soup, ice pops... see if I can keep those down. So far so good. Before 10pm tonight I hadn't eaten solid food since about Sunday. I had soup before and so far so good. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Hopefully whatever the hell this is will pass and I can get on with my life and have a wonderful dinner to celebrate it.

Still dating Ryan. We went to the Zoo yesterday and I hung out with him at the Barracks today and watched Rush Hour 3. I love Jackie Chan. Awesome. (: We see eachother often and talk daily... so far so good. Let's see how this continues!

Oh and for Friday my brother (and one of his best friends) were selected to represent their team on the ALL STAR TEAM! I am so proud of him! Stefan was devestated last year when he didn't make All Star and I knew he could do it. <3

Family Birthday

Happy 21st Birthday Jillian Lee!!!!!

My cousin and pseudo sister is 21 today. She and I grew up together and even though we are only cousins we are more like sisters. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. We talk on the phone basically every single day and sometimes multiple times a day. Especially when Scrabulous (via facebook) is involved. Hours spent, let me tell you! But between that and trips down the shore or to Great Adventure or sleepovers or hours on the phone ... I don't know what I would do without her. Jill drives me nuts at times, espec when she talks in abbrevs, but she is a brilliant Ivy Leaguer (Cornell) who is going to save the world. Seriously. She can be a Betty but she always makes me laugh. When we were kids I told her to eat a red crayon because it would taste like cherries. She tried it and it didn't naturally and I told her she had to eat the whole thing, the flavor was at the end. Bless her heart she did it. But in retaliation Jill told me to eat a penny because a money tree would grow in my stomach. Revenge complete. We have had some doozy arguments. Like when we were three and would bite eachother. Or when we would scream at eachother at the top of our lungs as we walked across Great Adventure with people staring at us like we were nuts until we reached the roller coaster Medusa and broke out into laughter at ourselves. She is my go to girl for every problem I have ever had and I wish her the very best on this amazing birthday. 21! Sweet! Now you can buy me alcohol (:

Please, like I was going to be mushy the whole time! LY!

So...

Things are looking good for the most part. I am done with Junior year, finals all finished. I am just starting to date someone, Ryan, for the first time in ages and so far it is going quite well. He is a Marine I met at the St Patrick's Day Party this past March and kept in touch with and now have gone on a few dates with. We had our first date last Thursday and it went so well we had another one on Saturday. And this upcoming Thursday. I am curious to see where this goes.

I am still in the midst of a vicious job hunt for summer. My dad keeps promising I can have my car down here for the summer and next year but I have yet to see it. I miss my car! Gas prices sucking or not, the metro isn't cutting it for jobs at the moment. Plus I had a very creepy experience on the metro on Friday night.

I was on my way home from Union Station and I was on the green line, the stop before mine, just waiting to get home and go to bed. I had my ipod on but not too loudly as to not hear things around me. Now this was a slob day for me, galoshes/rainboots, jeans, a tshirt, rain jacket, plus my big back pack and my hair in braided pigtail things. So I am sitting there and we stop at West Hyattsville and this big black guy comes up to me. I was sitting near the door so I figured he was just getting off the train. Oh no. He pets the side and top of my head and follows down one braid and then tugs on it from the end and says, "Ooh. Pretty." AND THEN HE GETS OFF THE TRAIN! What the heck!? Who does that!?! Seriously! What mother tells someone, "Oh hunny when you're old enough make sure you pet a random stranger on the metro and then pull their hair and tell them they're pretty." NO ONE. Creepy Creepy Creepy. Both my mom and Ryan are threatening to by me mace and I am kind of not as opposed to it as I used to be. (Think about it...I am such a spaz the chances of me spraying myself are higher than me ever using it to effectively defend myself.) OH. But that is not all. Oh no no no. I am walking through PG Plaza once I get off the metro and as I am crossing the street a car full of black guys slows near me and starts barking and panting at me! Again, seriously?? Where do people come up with this crap? Like if you bark and pant at me I am just going to turn around and grant you undying love and unending sexual favors?? I don't think so.

Anyway...back to the job thing. I applied to work for Summer Opera Theatre Company (SOTC) and haven't heard back. I might email them tomorrow or Tuesday if I don't hear by then. I also applied for an internship at a theatre in NYC through this woman my Dad works with, it is a shot in the dark but what the hell, can't hurt. My two back up plans are Medieval Times (providing I have my car) or the movie theatre behind my apartment (ghetto as hell and probably minimum wage but no commute). We shall see.

For mother's day my dad gave my mom a roundtrip ticket to visit me as well as a hotel and fancy dinner guarantee. I am excited as I haven't seen her since Easter, it will be nice to hang out with my Mom again. I do want to go home to Jersey for awhile and see my family and friends but I just don't know when I will actually go and do that.

Been feeling a bit sick the past few days. Not violently ill or anything, just no appetite whatsoever. None. And you know me, I am a total pig normally. Today I forced myself to eat a turkey sandwich and feel even worse now from it. I've been forcing myself to eat to get through the day healthily but everytime I go to eat my throat feels like it wants to close up and not let food by as my stomach churns in agreement. Not good. I spend the day in bed watching movies and tv, probably will tomorrow as well. I feel like such a slug but I don't really have the energy for anything else (due to lack of food most likely). Hot under the covers, cold on top of them, yet no fever. So who knows what the hell is going on? I sure don't. WebMD scares me as they will say it is either motion sickness or stomach cancer or pregnancy as that is the nature of that website... the slightest thing to the most severe and usually pregnancy for good measure. I can assure you it isn't any of those. But it would be nice to know what is wrong so I can get rid of it and eat again. I miss my huge intake of daily eating and junk food :(

Hope everyone is well. Glad I had the time to do a blog again, it has been awhile.

<3 Als

Roses are...

Red roses mean romantic love; they're the "Valentine roses," par excellence.


Purple, coral and orange challenge red as the color for Valentine roses. The rose color meanings for these 3 are as follows:

The specific purpose of purple roses is to signify that the giver has fallen in love with the recipient at first sight.
Meanwhile, coral and orange roses signal desire.


The meaning of yellow roses is joy and friendship.

We express our gratitude and appreciation with pink roses....

While feelings of admiration and sympathy find words with roses that are light pink in color.

Peach is more ambiguous, as it can signify either sympathy or gratitude.

Their purity naturally enough lends to white roses the meaning of reverence and humility.

What about black roses? Do they exist and, if so, what is the meaning? While no jet-black rose exists, there are some of such a deep red as to suggest black. E.g., Rosa 'Black Magic.' Alternatively, some florists dry fresh roses and dye them black. And the meaning? There is some disagreement on this point. Many say black represents death and can thus be used as a symbol to express vengeance towards a foe. But others interpret that more liberally, suggesting as a meaning for black roses the death of old habits, thus signalling rebirth.

How bloody interesting. Happy Hallmark Stock Holders Appreciation Day.

<3>

(:

I am in Saint Croix with my best friend.

I am very happy.

That is all.

For now.

<3>