Shatter

I heard this song on the radio on my way home and normally I don't listen to O.A.R. but this struck me for some reason...


In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around



Random. Anyway.

Rehearsals going well. Still smoking and really really need to stop. I cannot afford to be addicted nor do I want to be. But it does make me feel good/happy/relaxed which is so incredibly stupid and I know it. Ick. Ugh. Etc. Monday will be my only day off until next week, I should do something. No idea what. My family might still be coming down Friday for the parade regardless of the break up. Interested to see how that will all pan out...

God I am exhausted.

Just when things are looking up they fall down again.

The past few weeks have been pretty rough. I mentioned earlier that this has been my summer of ups and downs. Being really sick in May was a major down, but Ryan proved to be a major up in that period. SOTC was a mixture of ups and downs depending on the day. I started stage managing for Jay's show (with OperAlterna) for the Fringe festival which is actually a lot of fun and the people have all been really great. But truth be told once midJune hit things really have just gone down hill.

So last Friday I was at my first Friday parade at 8th and I with Taylor, Amy, and Kristin. I said hi to Ryan and then the girls and I went into the Officer's Club to hang out before the parade started. Then I noticed my phone was beeping with a missed call. As soon as I saw it was my aunt Kathy I knew what it was. Sure enough I call her back and find out my grandmother passed away. She had been so sick for so long it wasn't a total shock but it was still incredibly upsetting naturally. I decided to stay at the parade, for the distraction, and spent the rest of the weekend trying to just not think about it. I called Sam, my best friend, and left her a message about what happened and to my surprise I never heard back from her except for a random picture message. It was so unlike her and it just made me even more miserable.

Ryan was determined to keep me distracted and dragged me to about eight different stores looking for a "roman sword" to bring to the toga party we were supposed to go to that evening. And at said toga party when I had enough and decided to get ready for bed at crash there it turned out someone went through my bag. My wallet was empty of all cash (about five dollars) and reciepts, one credit card my insurance card and cardinal card as well as my ipod were missing. My makeup remover and shower gel were emptied everywhere. Ryan's money he had in my purse was also gone. Naturally the house goes on lock down and they were strip searching people before they let them leave. By the grace of God Kristin and Taylor found all my reciepts, missing cards, and ipod hastily shoved in a corner in the bathroom downstairs. Ryan's money, my money, and three other guys were missing money that was never recovered but they basically knew who did it so I am sure they took care of it. But at this point I was so worked up between almost being robbed, my grandmother, and everything that I had a full blown asthma attack. Like turning blue on the bathroom floor asthma attack where I cannot feel my limbs or my face and it was not pretty. But Ryan and the girls took care of me and got me back to normal thank God and I didn't have to go to the hospital.

Skipping ahead I just kept myself busy until Tuesday when I went home for the wake and the funeral. Now for those who really know me know my real father George is not in the picture and quite an asshole. He has been in and out of my life for years and now is out and I like to keep it that way, my dad is my stepdad. Well George was told by Kathy years ago not to bother showing up for the wake or funeral as he was not around the entire time she was sick... about seven years. He graced her with his presence once when Grandma was asking to see him and Kathy called him and asked him to come earlier this year. Well somehow he convinced my little brothers Sean and Shane that they shouldn't go to if he didn't. Kathy had talked to Sean and he had been fine with the whole thing but George and Shane beat him down I guess. My brothers did not come to my grandmother's wake or funeral which made me extremely pissed at them and ten times more pissed at George for being such a damn child about it. Then inbetween the two wake times when we went home for dinner apparently George, his girlfriend Carolyn, and my brothers showed up at the funeral home and then signed the guestbook to prove they were there. God that man is such an infuriating child.

Tuesday and Wednesday were rough. Although my grandma was so sick for so long it was heartbreaking. A lot of tears were shed and I was pretty miserable. My cousins made things easier for me and I tried to be there for Kathy who took care of grandma by herself for so long. I spent the next few days at home just thinking and getting myself together. I saw Jill and my other grandparents and just spent time with my family which was nice before heading back to DC Saturday. Kathy had gone through a whole bunch of old pictures while I was there and found this one from my second birthday of my Grandma, Papa, and I. I have to say it is one of my favorites just because of how happy they look in it. I had to scan it in and save it. It is also now hanging on my wall here in my room.

More pictures from quality time with my cousin and brother...

Like I always say bad things tend to come in threes. At work for SOTC during strike Sunday last week I got hit in the head with a 2x2 that was about 10ft long. Ever see those old cartoons when someone steps on a rake and it hits them in the head? Yea, it was like that. I saw stars and then had a gaping gash on my head during the funeral which was great explaining what happened to relatives I had not seen since I was about ten. Then I cut my hands on the monofilament/fishing wire we were using. And then I stepped on a staple and it went through my shoe and foot. See, three things.

Well this Tuesday I get a text from Ryan asking if he wanted to meet for lunch. So I go to Potbelly's in College Park and park exactly where we had parked the last time we were there. We have lunch and then we're sitting outside talking for awhile and he just got this strange look on his face. I kind of knew then. As he is launching into the speech on why our relationship is not working at the moment I see a tow truck go by with a Ford Taurus. Sure enough my car was towed during the conversation. So we had to go get my car out of the impound lot and I now owe Ryan $150 to boot as I had not gotten my paycheck yet and he insisted on paying for it until I got the money.

The breakup. What it boiled down to was he thinks I am a great girl and he wants to be with me he just doesn't have the time right now to give fully what is required for a relationship. And it isn't fair to either of us. Basically a lot of what he said made sense and was what he wanted and what he thought was best so nothing I said or could say could change that. Yes there was a lot of crying on my part and sometimes I really hate being a girl thanks to the emotional overload the tends to come with it. He thinks we have a chance in the future maybe but right now is not the time. With him shipping out as soon as October he doesn't think our relationship will be strong enough by then to last while he is gone. Just have to say that is three months away and a lot can happen then but he would rather end it now when it just hurts versus possibly having to end it then and having it hurt more. I don't know. It is going to be immensely difficult to be friends with him but I don't want to lose him in my life. I can't imagine not being able to talk to him or see him, but it is going to be so hard to be with him without being with him. Who knows how it will all play out.

Thank god that night Taylor, Laura, and Kristin had me come over and they made me sangria. We had that and played catchphrase, the best of the night being "Expedia!" and everyone instantly replying with the commercial tune of "DOTCOM!" without missing a beat. Since then I have just been going to rehearsals and seeing friends and trying not to think too much. I had lunch with Adam and Jason yesterday and tonight did chinese food and a movie (the Wedding Singer) with Angelyn. After we were bothered or hit on or a mixture of the two by a 58 year old drunk guy outside Hunan Delight. "Hey! I'm patriotic! My shirt was made in America! Whatchu gonna do? You gonna do the wild thing? Hey! Ladies!" And so on.

As you can tell by the time I am writing this I am also not sleeping too well anymore either.

And I have started smoking.

Wonderful.

I don't mean to sound whine-y or complain or bitch but that has been life lately. Just a mess and a half. Tomorrow/Today Angelyn and I plan on celebrating the 4th in true DC tourist fashion and going to the Capitol for the fireworks and concert on the mall. I am excited, it should be fun and just the sort of distraction I really need...

And something positive to keep me sane... a picture I took last week. Sunlight follows a storm. Here is proof.